My Ultimatum

I can't talk to you anymore, seems like you only see your rights and my wrongs.

You know why I expect so much from you?? Beyond what my family sees... is because I wish for more and to show them that you're the man I see you can be.  Sad for me when I see what they see in you too....

If I was a man...

I'll prove to the woman I love each and everyday that she's worth it and I'm worth her being with me.
I'll never calculate all the things I've done for her and how much she owes me for all those.
I'll count my blessings for having her in my life and make her feel bless.
I'll make her feel beautiful and happy and joyous.  Waking up knowing I'm in her life will be better than sleep.
I'll show her love ones that I love her dearly and respect her and them.  I'll put forth more effort to be good to her and them because I'll love them just as I do her.
I'll never jump to conclusions and I'll talk with an open mind.  I won't make her feel like she can't be straight forward with me.

But I'm not a man....

And here I am typing all this, feeling worthless....  like I'm not worth the effort to understand and comprehend.  Like I'm less of a person.  Angry words... may be just angry words to you but slaying me left and right.  I feel ever more numb and so I don't feel sadness... I don't feel much of anything.  Just disappointed in myself for never seeing the cracks in the wall and only see the nice colors.

It's not that I want to make you into a bad person,  it's you've stopped loving me and caring for me before you've knowledge it yourself.  You should find someone who will care for you exactly how you want to be care for, love you exactly how you want to.  But doesn't expect much from you .... You've bought airplane tickets, paid for food, flowers, drinks, bought my folks gifts.... mown the lawn, took out trash, vacuum, sweep the shop at times.... I remember what you've done....

But it's not those things that concerns me much... it's the fact that you count the many times you've done them.  Reasons why I can never calculate the times I've done little things for you while we were together ... is because i never calculate them.  I do them out of my own free will and effort to be kind to you and your family.  I don't like to pick sides but because you are older I expect better from you versus my little brothers.  If they can out do you then I'm speechless ..... nothing to say when you don't seem to understand.

Lets see how these few months play out.  I love the you I knew.... but hate what I see of now.... petty, selfish... calculative.... because I'm no longer worth it.