wishful

I feel so numb again... as if there's no blood running through my veins. I don't want to be sad again. Perhaps love was wishful thinking. And i am not deserving of it. Perhaps I should live to just simply live. Like before, where my only purpose in life was to live for my parents, and do as they wish until I die. Or actually until my parents leave me and I shall follow them because I will lose my only purpose to live if I was to lose them. 

I am so tired of crying. So tired of explanation. Love is so beautiful when everything goes well. But when things goes down... I crumple at the mercy of my heart. I thought I was able to pick it up again... and that the person I choose was a very good guy. He is, but can he handle my ups and downs? I need a pillar to hold me up, so support my emotional break downs. Maybe no one is god-like enough to handle my insanity. Nor am I stable enough to wish my insecurities away. 

few blessed months. i wnt to have him here by my side, and so i can cry on his shoulder and he will tell me everything is fine. "Don't cry baby, don't cry" And I will fall asleep in his arms. Softly he will hold on to me, as I go and dream of a happily ever after..